Me

23 June 2020 

Hi everybody, it’s me  

I know it’s been years since the last time i wrote.
So years passed and how times flies. 2020 we’re actually in this year already?
No one thought we could come across this year staying at home?
No one thought we would spend most of the time reflecting on ourselves
No one thought we be spending more time with the people we surrounded with
I just realised how years has passed and how much i’ve changed this past years
There are goods and bads.

“Hypocrite”
Yes that’s the word i wanted to describe
Hypocrite is such a word that no one, no one can ever say they’re not related to
Myself. I would say i’m such a hypocrite for saying what i’m saying
No doubt this word haunts everyone because it’s really how we all are
I may say good things and tell people don’t do this and that
But IM JUST ANOTHER HYPOCRITE
I’ve been really selfish and immoral these days.
I really don’t know how to say, but to put it in a more simple way
I would say..I NEVER FOUND PEACE...
I thought i have but yeah that’s the hypocrite in me
I told people I’M FINE with everything. I’m happy. I’m loving the way i am
But yet again, i know deep down i’m never fine. I’m never fine with other people’s happiness
I always have this jealousy this unsatisfied feeling about people
I may say omg i hate these kind of people but in the end i am that person

Am i really a good person?
Do i really deserved to be called human?
Am i really what i think i am?
All of this lingers to my mind these days.
If i was in someone else’s place, i would feel like THIS PERSON i’m actually talking to isn’t the person she tells everyone about.
She’s here to just hear good things about her to make her feel good.
But deep down she knows she’s not what other people thinks of her

“She’s BAD”
What i fear most.
I fear how other people thinks about me
I fear how nasty i portray myself to others
I fear that the bad things people say about me
I fear how people see me
I fear how no one would like me if they know the real me
I fear how i can never be loved
I fear how people would blame me
I fear how i fear to be fear

Confession~
What i am really afraid of
I hate how people would pity me in some ways where they think i can never moved on
In terms of relationships or even friendships
I don’t like how people can see through me
I don’t like getting sympathy
I don’t like how I KNOW I CAN NEVER BE LOVED
I don’t like how I AM THE PROBLEM

I CAN NEVER SAY THIS. I CAN NEVER SHOW THIS. I CAN NEVER TELL PEOPLE IM WEAK. IM JUST PURE WEAK.

Giving up the GUN

Monday,18th November 2019

Hi, it's been ages since i last wrote. I was basically listening to Vampire Weekend- Giving up the Gun to find back my blog that i haven't been writing since 2017. Just stopping by to say it's definitely had been so good this past 2 years. 2018 was a happy year tbh, nothing went wrong and i find a new interest in something you guys would never thought of. GUESS WHAT? I'm now a kpop-er haha yeah suprised guys: the indie Sharafina is now a kpop fan. I guess i have no other things to do than scrolling through kpop music videos and reality show. I mean i have always been a fan of Running Man but i never thought i would actually like KPOP. Like that's a 360 degree change of genre. Shocking right? But no worries, as you guys can see i do still listen to indie songs. They're buried deep in my soul that i could not just abandon such taste. I mean HELLO indie was the reason why i start to like music in the first place. So here how the story of me liking kpop starts: 

I was into dance videos so quite sometime, and the fact that i have a housemate who is a kpop fan too make me watch too much kpop dance practice videos and music videos. And i immediately forget the judgmental 15 year old Sharafina who judges kpop when actually this proves how talented they actually are. Like yall should watch it man, you'll come to a realization how good these people are. Here is how i got introduced to a boy group named Highlight which was previously called Beast. They were famous back when i was in highschool tho with their song called Fiction (2011). I fell in love with one of the team member called Lee Gikwang (he was chosen for the most Handsome Man) for Fashion Face Award Asia 2016. Hehehe i know i like handsome men. Then there goes my journey into kpop. Then i started to like a solo rapper called ONE also known as Jaewon who is also SOSOSOSOSO GOOD LOOKING. He acted in some of the kdramas too. But now i'm a hardcore fan of a group called NCT which is divided into few units; NCT127, NCT DREAM, NCT U AND WAYV. So technically this group is how i started to own a kpop fan account on social media. I know ITS CRAZYYYY. BUT welcome to my new world. I have no idea who is my bias anymore because they are all my bias now. This would be a shocking news that this group consists of 21 members. Yeah that's the reason why they divide them into few units. But my most fav one would be NCT 127 which is like the main unit but i wouldn't say others aren't. I hope the company will make all of them a permanent unit tho. LIKE WHUT they've been training in a group for years and now you're telling me they're not a permanent group? Ok let's not get emotional. So that's like how i am now, a good girl who has been doing new things in her life and couldn't be more happier. I mean this things keep me accompany on my lonely days tbh. I have too many time to spare ( eventho i should be studying ) hahaha. I'm just telling how life works tho, people change, people have different preference as they grow, they see things ahead and just living it through. I'm glad i have grown so much not saying that i have grown to be more mature i kinda still need to work on that but i see how much open i am now. I haven't been depending on people that much and doing things myself. I get lonely sometimes but i would just brush it off and be happy about it. One bad day is not one bad year right? All i want to say that, i'm much happier these days and not to forget congratulations to my sister who got married last month. I mean i have a brother in law now? Wow it's been years since i imagine having my sister tying the knot. I'm glad she found her soulmate and living her new life in the States. Now i can go to the States often yayyy. And it's november btw, i had another birthday with my beloved friends here and also received a gift from them which technically i chose. I'm glad these people are around even i'm far far from home. They make me feel home even i'm 8000km away from my family. 

I guess that's all for today. My best wishes 

love, 

Sharafina

19

Sunday, 4th June 2017

Hey i'm back after 3 months. I know it's earlier than usual. I told that i was gonna write every 6 months. But i couldn't help myself with this one. GUESS WHAT!!!! 19 more days to home. Where i belong hahaha. Other than feeling of joy, i'm about to take my 2nd year 1st semester finals in few weeks. Nerve recking but i've been procrastinating because yeah what is not to be happy about going home right? Hehehe i have two papers to sit to, i know i'm actually not panicking. It's totally rare. but believe me i will at the end of the week. I can't wait to go home, that's what I'm actually looking forward to. Not my summer practical... ugh why oh why. Why do you have to just filled into my holiday when i just want to  REST AND HAVE FUN. 

Other than that, It's the holy month right now, and 19 hours of fasting. I know that is very long, it helps me with my diet though. I've been trying to lose weight for a month now. But nothing helps. I cut down by not eating rice. And i just broke all my rules of dieting yesterday. We had bunch of food for break fast. DO not even mention, did i get to manage my diet? Ofcourse not. No doubt. Hahaha but i felt overwhelm for having everybody I'm close to with my last night. It makes me miss home even more and how grateful i am to have the people i love around. I can't wait to pour my rindu all over my parents and siblings. Hehe i'm also excited for Eid, and for my trip to phuket during the eid. i'm just filled with joy right now. i know you might think I'm exaggerating but trust me, i am so excited. So i guess, here's to more stories. See you. 

love, Sharafina

Histology

10 March 2017

4.27pm

So hi guys, it's me again! 

Here i am eating kiwi and listening to my playlist after a long day of class. I rarely have time to write but why not now right? If you could see my title it has nothing to do with what i wanna talk about but to tell you that i had Histology major an hour ago and i managed to get 90%. 

Guys it's already 2017! Guess what? I left 2016 not empty handed, i left with full of experiences and adventure. I am grateful that it's been 3 months now and 2017 has been treating me good. I knew 2016 wasn't my year. No regrets! I can promise you that. Apparently my New Year's Eve this year was in Russia. I can tell you it was yet disappointing but it ended well. From hours of standing in the cold searching for a place to hangout for New Year Eve's and unfortunately Russia sucks. They closed all the restaurants to hangout at. We were too lazy to hit the bar, so we wanted to just chill. And we got to see the fireworks eventhough it was at the very last minute. Then we head back to our friend's house and just hangout till 6 in the morning. 

Other than that, i finally finished my 1st year degree of Medicine. I have 5 more years to get done with. And there are pros and cons on taking medicine anyway. Nothing much had happened but there are still people coming in and out of my life. As usual i am taking that as an experience and not to brag about how bad and wonderful it went. I am just grateful the ones i still have now are still the same people since the last time i wrote. I can't wait to be home where all my family and friends are. Their presence are indescribable. I wish i had more time there than here, but not saying the people here aren't great. They're 100% awesome. You know where you at the most can become your home eventually too. But i haven't felt that way about this place yet. Maybe too early to say i do, i still think i need to be home to be me completely. How i miss having my family around, going to trips together and just chill at home. Probably this time, i might have extra work to do during my summer break. They insist us to do practical and gain experiences with the doctors at home. Yup, told yeah there are pros and cons. We don't really have breaks even on our breaks. 

Spring is here, i just don't like how it's winter for 6 months here. The amount of snow, dirt all over your shoe just UGH! But the good thing about winter was my winter break. Had a UK trip with my sisters and also my friends. The trip was definitely magnificent. I need more holidays guys, it was so nice having my sisters there and it was all sponsored by my elder sister. She deserves this credit. London was incredible as usual, it's been years since i was there. Winter shopping of course!!!!! How about that? Borong lah apa lagi. Got myself good stuff and finally new make up collection. Everything about the trip was great. Brighton was definitely FUN and cute. The place just suits how it wasn't that hectic and a more calming place. Couldn't enjoy the sea because it was indeed cold even though the weather forecast said it was SUNNY! SO MUCH FOR SUNNY. Another trip worth the money. Can't wait for more adventures! 

So i guess that's it. I would definitely try to keep myself up to date even i don't really have time for that. 

love, Sharafina